Springtime musings

When I was a kid, on a fairly regular basis I would find myself stopped dead in my tracks by the question: Who am I? Not like, what do I want to be when I grow up, or what kind of person do I want to be. No, I mean the more literal: What is this consciousness peering out of my eyes? Why is it in this body? How is it that my fingers are moving right now just because I want them to move?

This quizzical descent into my own little zen koan could happen any time, but I associate it particularly with springtime. I can remember walking home from school when the snow was melting and the weather first got warm enough to unzip my winter coat, thinking, wow! I am looking out of my eyes. How cool is that? Something about the vividness of spring, the sense of stirring life.

I can remember this sensation from a very young age all the way into my teens, but at some point, as an adult, I realized it scarcely visited me any more. While I still entertain existential questions, I can rarely reproduce the visceral sense of surreality that once held me entranced, unable to think about anything but the existence peering out of my own eyes.

A couple years ago, for reasons I no longer remember, I attended a Rosh Hoshana service, which ended with a rousing - almost ecstatic - song. The lyrics were repeated faster and faster, to whirling dancing and beating drums - lyrics that basically boiled down to this: I am alive! But who is this aliveness I AM? Is it not the holy blessed One?

I am really struck by these lyrics, for several reasons. I appreciate the subtle elegance of the words, which are few and simple yet can contain many layers of meaning. "Holy blessed One," for example, which a monotheist could understand to be God, while a Buddhist or pantheist could hear it as the great Oneness of life that flows through all. And, "who is this aliveness I AM?" perhaps a play on the Hebrew God's famously mysterious response - "I AM THAT I AM" - when Moses asked His name.* So much packed into those few lyrics. I also loved the vivid expression of joy - I am alive! - inspiring in a people so persecuted, and then immediately followed by questioning, curiosity. But mostly, I remember being taken back immediately to that childhood feeling, and thinking, that's it! This song, heard in such an unlikely place (since I'm not Jewish) is expressing my exact experience! Who is this aliveness I am? Who is this peering out of my eyes?

* And Moses said unto God, Behold, when I come unto the children of Israel, and shall say unto them, The God of your fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them?
And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you. (Exodus 3.13-14, King James Bible)