I'm not sure which is the greater praise...

"This organization has seen a lot of consultants come through, but you ladies have by far been the best."

"You can be a real pain in the ass, you know that?"

Thank you! Thank you, very much.

Escape from the Land of the Mole People

Today I jet off to sunny Phoenix, Arizona for the culmination of my current consulting project. It's a pleasant, sunny 75-85 degrees in Phoenix right now, and while the grey mire of the long, sunless winter has not totally taken hold here yet in the lush Pacific Northwest - a little sun break will be mightily welcome.

Phoenix is home to my favorite hotel in the world, though sadly, I will not be staying there. The beautiful Biltmore Hotel. Though exact attribution for the architectural design is somewhat disputed, it is a Frank Lloyd Wright building through and through. The Wright Foundation is charged with design decisions for every update, replacement, and expansion, ensuring that the Lloyd Wright style and standards never waver. It is lovely - lovely in a way I can't fully describe, not just pretty, or luxurious, though it is both of those. It's more that every single little detail has been thought through. Anything you seek, you will find at your fingertips. Everything will feel exactly the way you think it should, the right cushiness or firmness, warmth or coolness. It's like being in a spooky dreamland where little fairies follow you around and make everything just as your heart desires it, a moment before the desire even becomes conscious thought.

I was put up at the Biltmore a few years ago while in Phoenix on business. I remember calling Enrico that night from my room, having just returned from one of the seven fantastically mosaic-ed swimming pools - the one with the three-story-high, lit fountain, and the bar built into the pool at water level with little mosaic stools - and wimpering, "I love this hotel. This is the Best.Hotel.Ever. I want to live at this hotel and never leave."

Last year, my sister stayed at the Biltmore on business. Telling someone how much they're going to love something is usually fruitless and annoying, and she greeted my rapturous praise with polite patience, although she started to come around after calling ahead to inquire about the swimming pool and getting transferred to the "pool concierge." That was a clue, right there, to the Biltmore experience. They have a frickin' pool concierge. By the time she came home, she was a fully vested member of the club.

So, when said I was going to Phoenix on business, she said "Oh! Are you staying at the Biltmore??" Sadly, no, I replied. And we had a moment of reverential, wistful silence together, punctuated only by that yearning, simpering sound Homer Simpson makes when he's thinking about doughnuts.

The baseball math that matters

I'd like for the White Sox to win the series, even though they're not my team, but I'd prefer they not do it in a clean four-game sweep.

I'm from a Chicago family but we're a Cubs family, and never the twain shall meet, although admittedly a few cousins have married into Sox families and gone over to the other side. That's ok, I understand that marital peace does sometimes require major sacrifices. But back in the day, my mama would take her change of clothes to church and catch the South Shore in to the city with a few of her 40+ cousins to see the Cubs play ball on a Sunday afternoon. A Cubs family we were then, and a Cubs family we shall remain.

So, the Sox don't get as much credit for being from Chicago as you might think, but I admit to some fondness for the old Comiski Park, which was a sweet little ballpark. And it gets brownie points for being named after a fellow "hunky noodle," as my aunt used to inexplicably refer to those of us of Slavic descent. Yeah, I have no idea, but she's passed on now so I'll never get to ask.

And yet, the Sox tore down that sweet little ballpark and replaced it with a monstrosity named after some big corporation. Plus, the hunky in question was supposedly a real SOB.

So, to sum up, it seems the mathematics of baseball goes something like this:
Chicago Team - Wrong Team + Charming Ballpark + Hunky Noodle - Demolished Charming Ballpark - Mean Hunky = Team should win, but not in a clean sweep.

So just for tonight - go Astros.

A squirrel, a hummingbird and a towhee walk into a bar...

On Saturday we had an amazingly beautiful day, which was a gift because usually by now we are huddling for warmth in the dank, pouring rain and watching the daily sunlight quotient dwindle at an alarming rate. Enrico took the dogs for a hike in the woods, and I stayed home in the peace and quiet.

As I was making my lunch, I looked out on the back patio, and you'd think our back yard was being used as the set for a Disney movie. A hummingbird flitted about the fuscia, extracting the last morsels of nectar from the remaining flowers. A squirrel dug industriously in one of my flower pots, either burying or retrieving something. And a striking bird that I eventually identified as a rufous-sided towhee was rummaging noisily in the dead leaves. I was able to identify this bird with the help of our bird book, which reported that in addition to having notable wing markings, the rufous-sided towhee "rummages noisily among the dead leaves."

No doubt, had the dogs been home, this happy nature scene would never have happened. They would never have allowed it. I stood at the window and admired the sunlight glinting off the hummingbird's pretty green feathers, and it was good.

A behind-the-scenes look at the art of consulting

"At first, I was looking at the diagrams you drafted and I was thinking yes! This is perfect! And then I thought, well, no it's not exactly perfect, and I tried to make it perfect by adding some stuff. And then I thought, well, this is the kind of thing where we have to either nail it perfectly, or else everyone will get fixated on critiqueing it and we won't get anywhere, you know what I mean?"

Sigh. "Yes, I do."

"So then I started thinking about what we should do instead and I just got confused."

"Yes! I, too, got confused."

"That thing you said in the meeting, remember? Where everyone said 'Yes! That's it!' - That's what we need."

"Dammit, I don't remember exactly what I said. What did I say?"

"Don't worry, we'll recreate it. It is a shame about those diagrams though, they have so many pretty arrows and colors. You know how I love color and arrows, right? But it's just not perfect, you know?"

"Yep. I do know."

A Schoolhouse Rock moment

As an update on the private investigator class: The third class did, at last, pick up the pace. More substance, fewer war stories on the theme of Court Cases of Yore. So, I'm glad I didn't bail.

Plus, we were doing the Fourth and Fifth Amendments, and how can you not love the Bill of Rights? In fact, part of my homework is to re-read the Bill of Rights, and damn if it's not an incredibly crafted document. Some of those early Americans - they may have held slaves, and oppressed women, and had all kinds of objectionable views, but nonetheless they were really onto something.

So, I present them here, the first ten amendments to the United States Constitution, as ratified on December 15, 1791. If only Schoolhouse Rock had set them to a pithy tune, an entire generation of Americans would no doubt have them memorized, which just might make the world a better place. (Yes, I can still sing the entire preamble to the US Constitution, thank you very much.)

The Preamble to The Bill of Rights

Congress of the United States
begun and held at the City of New-York, on Wednesday the fourth of March, one thousand seven hundred and eighty nine.

THE Conventions of a number of the States, having at the time of their adopting the Constitution, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent ends of its institution.

RESOLVED by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two thirds of both Houses concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of the several States, as amendments to the Constitution of the United States, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.

ARTICLES in addition to, and Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, proposed by Congress, and ratified by the Legislatures of the several States, pursuant to the fifth Article of the original Constitution.

The Bill of Rights

Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

Amendment VII. In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Belated half-marathon update

I don't know why I never got around to blogging about this, but my friend just sent me a picture of us from the race which reminded me about it...

As you may recall if you're a regular reader, 48 hours before the race I had a cold and wasn't sure if I could run. But I got up that morning and felt pretty good, so M and I started the race out together. She was a little nervous. We were going at a pace that was a little slower than usual for me and a little faster than usual for her, but I felt good at the modest pace and decided to stick with it, and with M.

The race course for the Royal Victoria Half-Marathon is beautiful, through parks and charming neighborhoods and along the water. The weather was perfect, overcast and probably 58 degrees. I felt great for about 9 miles, and then my knee started to really hurt - an old IT band problem which I can generally keep under control with regular yoga, but I hadn't done a lick of yoga the whole week before and BOY was I regretting that by about kilometer 15. So, for the last 4K we had to do a mix of running and walking, which was a disappointment, but we finished and we finished together, which was very nice. We hadn't really expected to run the race together, since I'm usually a quicker runner. But at the end, when my knee hurt like hell and I told M to go ahead (since at that point she was having a fabulous race), she said Nope: we started together, we finish together. Which is pretty much the spirit in which we did the whole thing. We'd like to do another one sometime.

Enrico was, of course, the perfect support team, cheering us on at key points and meeting us at the end with dry clothes and taking a few pictures along the way. Speaking of which - here we are, still feeling mahvelous in the park at mile 6-ish.

I can't top this for good entertainment

MoxieVanilla is back, and seriously, she can out-blog my ass any day of the week that she sets her mind to it.

http://moxievanilla.blogspot.com/2005/10/recently-asked-questions.html

Oh, the weight of it all

Today Zena and I made one of the most important decisions of our business partnership: We selected a powerpoint template. The public face of Flora & Zena, Inc. Consultants don't write reports any more, did you know that? We just produce "decks" with our detailed analysis reduced to pithy bulleted lists and insightful diagrams. In fact some of my colleagues actually charge a "report-writing penalty" for clients who insist they need a written document.

I suppose one could find that troubling. But who am I to buck the inexorable changing flow of things?

Anyway, she picked a template that I had used for a retreat that I facilitated a couple years ago that was INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING despite my ABUNDANT preparations, sending me into a fit of PTSD when I saw it again and forcing me to take a 90 minute nap.

Being in business is hard work.

The plot thickens

Last night I spent a frustrating time trying to make Excel's graphing feature produce the visual presentation that I wanted. It didn't seem like it should be hard, and in fact when Enrico got home - he is an Excel whizz, being a spreadsheet jockey for a living - he assured me that it should be able to do exactly what I wanted. I assured him that I'd tried just as he described I should, but had encountered only failure.

"Well," he said sagely, "you know what the problem must be, don't you?" I stared at him blankly. "Clearly, it must be the work of Freston!"

I gasped. Of course, the dastardly Freston would be in league with Microsoft!

Meanwhile, I am totally charging the client for the time I spent fighting with Excel, 'cause I can't ever get that 45 minutes of my life back.

It is the work of my nemesis!

Yesterday we went to see a play version of the book Don Quixote by Miguel Cervantes, which I've never read because it's 900 pages long and was written in 1600, and that brings back traumatic memories of my least favorite parts of French lit class. But, Enrico had read it, and wanted to see how you'd turn a 900-page book into a play, so we went. I like plays, I almost always enjoy myself at the theater.

Anyway, it turns out that one of the things the famous Don Quixote does, in his madness, is create an imaginary nemesis, Freston. (Which simply must be pronounced with a vigorous French accent, e.g. FresTOn.) The giants turn out to be windmills? It must be the work of Freston, who has cast an enchantment to prevent my glorious victory over the giants!

That's what I need, an imaginary nemesis. From now on, when Enrico comes home at the end of the day and I'm still in my pajamas and the dogs haven't been walked and the sink is full of dirty dishes - It must the work of Freston!

Is there such a thing as consultant malpractice?

I am wondering if Zena and I may be accidently working ourselves into a niche as Cleaners. That is, consultants who come in and clean up after other consultants.

Seriously, I don't consider myself the Goddess's gift to management consulting. I have colleagues whom I consider to be truly gifted. I know, what the hell is a gifted management consultant? Well, there's J, who has an enviable ability to turn heaps of information into creative, clear and compelling presentations. There's B, who can extemporaneously come up with an analogy, metaphor or mental model that is instantly helpful for any thinking style. And there's Zena's laserlike ability to focus people on the most critical issues, no matter how muddy they seemed just a moment before. I, on the other hand - I'm more of a jack-of-many-trades, mistress of none.

But we've recently seen a couple examples of consultant work that - well, let's just say that if I EVER produce anything like that, may I be forced to leave the country and change my name out of shame.

So there are a couple situations (and I'm not naming anything, so don't make any assumptions about who I might be talking about, you locals!) where somebody else's work needs to be done over, properly. At that point, the potential client is a little desperate - they have a deadline with a funder, or a board, or some important constituency, and they're about to have egg on their face. There's only so much we can do on such a tight timeline, we say. That's fine! they say, knowing that we will produce more in two weeks than the last guy did in two months. How do they know that? Because nobody could possibly produce less.

And, because we are conscientious. We may say "we don't have time to do a thorough job," but if the question is important, and significant decisions are going to be made as a result of the work - well, we do the legwork required to get an answer we feel good about. How can we do otherwise in good conscience?

I've come to believe this is the mark of a good consultant. I once had one working for me who was discounting his rate considerably for a good cause, and he kept saying "I'm not satisfied with this answer yet, I want to do X analysis first." And, being a consultant myself, I'd say, "That's fine, but you know, it's out of scope." Out of scope or scope creep are consultant-speak for "work outside the subject-matter or time that I bid for this gig." But he'd do it anyway, because it was necessary to get an answer he felt good about. You either eat the hours, or you cut back on some other aspect of the project, or maybe if you're lucky you can renegotiate with the client. But you don't just hand in crappy work.

As I think about it, all the colleagues that I think really, really highly of - they all take this approach.

I don't really want to get typecast as a Cleaner, and ideally the job would never be necessary. But Jiminy Christmas...how is it possible to create such a meaningless spreadsheet?